The Blood of Angry Men is Delicious
by RainWillMakeTheFlowersGrow
Summary: Quite as odd as the title suggests. In which Jean Valjean is turned into a vampire by the bishop. Eventually, Marius Pontmercy will meet the stunning (and sparkly) Cosette and fall in love with her while ignored werewolf Éponine looks on in sadness. C'mon. Give it a try people? Yes, it's stupid.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yup. Jean Valjean is a vampire. So is the Bishop. So is Cosette. Fantine was one, for a short while. So…yes, you should be afraid. Doubt not the power of a bored fanfictioner. Eventually turns into a bit of a Twilight parody… Éponine is a werewolf…are you scared yet? Seriously, it's better than it sounds. I have been told it is actually quite funny…by a person who is a very honest critiquer! ANYways, this is getting really long, so…read on!**

**Prologue:**

**FRANCE, LONG AGO**

**JEAN VALJEAN**: (kneeling before bishop with clasped hands) I'm so sorry, Monseigneur! Call the police and have me sent off to jail!

**BISHOP**: (kindly) Now, now. I don't mind that you stole my silver.

**VALJEAN**: You don't?

**BISHOP**: No! Besides, it doesn't matter when I will have your BLOOD! (lunges at Valjean and bites him on the arm, sucking his blood thirstily)

**VALJEAN**: AUGHHHHHHHHH!

(door of the church opens. Constables enter)

**CONSTABLE #1**: Are you all right, Monseigneur? We thought we heard-

**BISHOP**: BLOOD! (leaves Valjean and attacks constables) THERE CAN BE NO WITNESSES!

**VALJEAN**: (takes advantage of the convenient death of these fine officers of the lawr to crawl out the door)

**THREE DAYS LATER**

**VALJEAN**: (wakes up) I feel thirsty! For blood! (attacks nearby bunny) Mmm, yummy. Now I shall start a new life as a kindly vampire! (Inspirational music plays as Valjean pulls out a random piece of yellow paper and rips it up)

**'Ello there! We're 'ere to observe the fanfictioner in her natural habitat! She's trying to attract a reviewer! Watch 'ow she uses different techniques to persuade readers to review!**

**#1: Pretend like you care what they think**

**A/N: Hello there! I would like your feedback on my story. For instance, do you like the title? Or would a better one be "Sucking the Blood in their Veins"? Have I completely ruined the Bishop for you forever? Tell me in your reviews! ****_Haha, they're the suckers. Like I want to know. I just want to get lots of reviews. Heehee. Because then people will think it's a good fic. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…wait, are you recording this? Hey, stop! STOP!_**

**Crikey! She's got some temper! Thank you, and join us next time on another episode of "Fanfiction in Nature".**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi readers of mine who I like to think exist! I was hoping this chapter would be longer, but it isn't…ah well. Hopefully, I will be able to update fairly regularly (I have about half the story written right now) and you will be able to forgive me for this. Also: I know this is bad. But my first story, "A Little Fall of Strange"…was WORSE. So hopefully I am improving. And if you think I stink at writing humor…I tried seriousness. I REALLY REALLY TRIED. But it was terrible and just plain depressing. So…yeah this is a really long author's note again so farewell.**

**Chapter 1: In Which Fantine is dead for unknown reasons and Valjean is found out by Javert.**

**A LOT OF YEARS LATER**

**FANTINE**: (pitifully) Take my child, Monsieur le Maire...take care of her...please...oh, if only I could have lived to see her again! My poor Cosette...

**VALJEAN**: But I want to stay in this town, where everybody thinks I'm so handsome that they automatically made me mayor.

**FANTINE**: But...I'm dying. And, um, it's kinda your fault.

**VALJEAN**: Fine, whatever. I think people were starting to get suspicious of the fact that I should be at least fifty-seven and only look twenty-three anyway. But I don't wanna take care of your kid. Hey, I know! I'll just turn you into a vampire and then you can do it.

**FANTINE**: Oh, Monsieur, thank you! How can I-wait, what? AUGHHHHHHH! THAT HURTS! OWIE OWIE OWIE!

**JAVERT**: (enters awesomely) Aha! Valjean! I always suspected you were a vampire, but now I have proof!

**VALJEAN**: What? I'm not a vampire! Where did you get that impression?

**JAVERT**: I deduced it from the fact that you were BITING this woman on the NECK.

**VALJEAN**: Aaaaaaaah. Well, I can explain-

**JAVERT**: NO! I DON'T WANT YOU TO EXPLAIN! I AM A VAMPIRE HUNTER AND I WANT TO KILL A VAMPIRE! But first, let's sing an epic duet.

**VALJEAN**: Sure, okay.

**EPIC** **DUET**: (is sung)

**EPIC DUEL**: (is performed)

**VALJEAN**: (wins Epic Duel, but)

**FANTINE**: (is killed. Somehow)

**JAVERT**: (is knocked out)

**VALJEAN**: Gosh darn it! I'm going to have to raise this stupid kid myself! (exits)

**'ello again! It's another episode of "Fanfiction in Nature" with another trick of the fanfictioner to get you to review.**

**#2. The threat**

**A/N: I will not post another chapter until I have TEN MILLION REVIEWS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**Good golly, mates! If she wants to get the rest of this thing posted in her lifetime, she better aim lower! I bet we can convince her to update pretty soon…I hope so! If not, farewell and we'll never see you again on "Fanfiction in Nature"!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello all! I am back after that big long interval of a couple of days. Just so you know, I have finished writing the story, so you can count on regular updates! I have had SOOOO much fun with this…and I hope you like it, too!**

**THE THENARDIER'S INN**

**YOUNG COSETTE**: I feel unloved.

**THENARDIER**: That's because you are, hahahaha! This is almost as funny as when I steal stuff from my customers.

**YOUNG ÉPONINE**: LOL, daddy. pinch her.

**YOUNG COSETTE**: (is pinched)

**YOUNG ÉPONINE**: LOL. i wanna try.

**YOUNG AZELMA**: Me too, me too!

**DRUNKEN CUSTOMER**: HAR HAR! HAR HAR! I WANTS TO PINCHES IT TOO!

**YOUNG COSETTE**: (is pinched by everyone)

**VALJEAN**: (appears out of nowhere, having run at vampire speed all the way from Montreuil-sur-mer) STOP IT!

**PINCHING**: (stops)

**VALJEAN**: Cosette, come with me. Your mother is dead.

**YOUNG COSETTE**: Did her death have anything to do with the fact that you have blood all over your lips?

**VALJEAN**: Well, sort of. Are you coming?

**YOUNG COSETTE**: Yeah, sure. Let me get my stuff.

**THENARDIER**: Hey, not so fast! I want money.

**VALJEAN**: You seriously think I'm going to pay you to take this ugly kid off your hands?

**YOUNG ÉPONINE**: LOL.

**VALJEAN**: Be quiet. Come on, Cosette. Let's go to a convent where you can be someone else's responsibility.

**YOUNG COSETTE**: (skips off happily with Valjean)

**And now, back to your regularly scheduled program…**

**#3: The Beg.**

**A/N**: **PLEASE REVIEW! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! I'LL DO ANYTHING! ANYTHING, I TELL YOU! I WILL REVIEW TEN TIMES ON EVERY SINGLE STORY YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN IF YOU JUST TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS! (sobs) PLEASE! JUST HELP A POOR FANFICTIONER OUT! MY CHILDREN ARE STARVING! I AM BEGGING YOU TO HAVE MERCY—**

**Okay, let's cut 'er off there. Bye, mates, and see you next time on "Fanfiction in Nature"!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Well, hi there! Guess what? I am working on an Éponine/Javert fanfic, because there are, like, 6, on the entire site and I ship them NOW AND FOREVER. Anyways, that should be up soon, so make sure to avoid it because it will be terrible. No. I actually just said that to make it sound like I wasn't begging people to read it. BUT I AM BEGGING. So there. Anyways (oops, I already said that) I ****_could_**** talk about the fic you actually want to ****_read _****right now...so, here it is!**

**EVEN MORE LOTS OF YEARS LATER**

**POOR PEOPLE**: We are poor people!

**GAVROCHE**: I am Gavroche, and these are poor people!

**ENJOLRAS**: (is awesome and hot and incredible and passionate) I don't think these people should be poor!

**MARIUS**: (is sort of cool, but no one really looks at him because of Enjolras's awesomeness) Yeah, me too!

**ENJOLRAS**: We believe that the best way to achieve this goal is to pile up a bunch of furniture in the streets!

**EVERYONE**: (agrees with everything he says because he's so awesome)

**ÉPONINE**: like heyyyyyyyyy, Marius.

**MARIUS**: Hi, uh...what's your name again?

**ÉPONINE**: LOL u r soooooooo cute!

**MARIUS**: Wait; let me guess...it started with an X, right? Xed...Xavier...Xena... (catches sight of sparkly girl with Valjean who is walking across the square) Ooh! Who's that sparkly girl walking across the square?

**VALJEAN**: (hears him say this) Cosette! They're seeing you sparkle! You'll expose vampire existence!

**SPARKLY GIRL WALKING ACROSS THE SQUARE WHO APPARENTLY IS COSETTE, OLDER AND VAMPIRIFIED:** Oops. (pulls up hood to conceal sparkliness)

**MARIUS**: Too late! I'm in love!

**ÉPONINE**: OMG y does he 3 her? i am like tots sooooooo much prettier than she is!

**MARIUS**: Éponine! Yeah, that was it...I was close...Éponine, will you stalk her for me?

**ÉPONINE**: yeah ok. cuz that will tots ge me right?

**MARIUS**: Why do you keep saying "less than three"? It's seriously confusing me.

**ÉPONINE**: JK! LOL! ROTFL!

**MARIUS**: Now you're just scaring me. Stop stalling and go find my soul mate.

**ÉPONINE**: k. TTYL. (walks off)

**JAVERT**: (staring after Cosette and Valjean) GOOD GOLLY! WAS THAT JEAN VALJEAN, THE VAMPIRE I'VE BEEN CHASING BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE?

**MARIUS**: Nah, it couldn't be. That girl was so pretty and sparkly, her father is obviously a saint.

**ENJOLRAS**: (appears, glowing with awesomeness) C'mon, Marius, let's go back to the Musain and give twelve-page-long inspirational speeches!

**COURFEYRAC**: (comes out of nowhere) Or three-word ones! "To be free!"

**MARIUS**: (scowls) I thought we agreed you were going to let that go.

**COURFEYRAC**: Never!

**Well, that was a long commercial break! And now, back to "Fanfiction in Nature".**

**#4: State a piece of incredibly wrong information and wait for someone to correct you.**

**A/N: Boy, I love Les Miz! You know what my favorite song is? It's, "I Love Him". You know, the one that kid Ebony sings? Don't you just love that song?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey, you know how this is supposed to be a parody of Twilight? Guess what? I remembered! I know you all thought I had forgotten. Anyway, here is the chapter to prove it. And...that's basically it for the rest of the story. Just more randomness after this. Whoops, I keep forgetting the disclaimer.**

**Disclaimer: Dis claimer claims dat I don't own Les Miz or Twilight. Dink about it. Did you really dink I did?**

**A NOT-VERY-LONG-TIME LATER IN COSETTE'S GARDEN WHERE SHE LIKES TO SING AND EAT DEER**

**COSETTE**: Wow, that random stranger was cute! Plus he smelled really good and I couldn't hear his thoughts! I had better stay away from him, so I don't randomly attack him!

**MARIUS**: (has followed Éponine's directions to get there) I love you!

**COSETTE**: Oh well, guess it's too late. I love you too! But I'm really dangerous.

**MARIUS**: About three things I was absolutely positive.

**COSETTE**: Um...are you talking to yourself?

**MARIUS**: First, Cosette was a vampire.

**COSETTE**: What? Who told you? And how do you know my name?

**MARIUS**: Second, there was a part of her-and I didn't know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for my blood.

**COSETTE**: Not true! Well, sort of. But mostly not. You know, you being so suspicious of me is not a great start to our relationship.

**MARIUS**: And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her.

**COSETTE**: Aw shucks! Thanks, Marius. I take it all back.

**MARIUS**: Hey, will you turn me into a vampire, too?

**COSETTE**: No. Now go away, before my father catches you. See you tomorrow!

**MARIUS**: (leaves)

**ÉPONINE**: (appears next to him) i'm depressed now. BTW, marius, i'm a werewolf.

**MARIUS**: ...

**ÉPONINE**: yeah, if it changes ur mind. i turn n2 1 whenever i want 2. do u 3 me now?

**MARIUS**: Do you sparkle?

**ÉPONINE**: wellllllll...no.

**MARIUS**: Then, no. Sparkles are pretty!

**ÉPONINE**: sigh. :( i feel unloved.

**RANDOM MEMBER OF AUDIENCE**: Hey, look! Irony! Cosette said that earlier!

**AUDIENCE**: Ooh, irony.

**'Ello, mate! Here's another trick of the fanfictioner!**

**#5: The Riddle (or The Question)**

**A/N: Hey, I bet you guys don't know what Éponine's little sister's name is! Hahaha! You'll never ever guess it!**

**...but if you do, leave it in the reviews!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hullo there! All my apologies for the exceptionally short chapter. I didn't even plan on having this scene originally...but I had to do the thing about the souls.**

**THE CAFÉ MUSAIN, A SHORT WHILE LATER**

**ENJOLRAS: **General Lamarque is dead!

**LES AMIS DE L'ABC: **(are sad)

**ENJOLRAS: **Yeah, bummer, right? But you know what this means…

**LES AMIS DE L'ABC: **IT'S BARRICADE TIME! WOO-HOO!

**GRANTAIRE: **I am drunk.

**JOLY: **I am sick.

**BOSSUET: **I am unlucky.

**MARIUS: **I want to be a vampire, but I might lose my soul. What do you think I should do, Enjolras?

**ENJOLRAS: **No one cares about your lonely soul, Marius.

**MARIUS: **Oh. Thanks for the advice!

**And we're back!**

**#6: Offer them food. (I honestly don't understand this one. But I have received several 'cookies' in my time.)**

**A/N: If you review, I will give you a cookie! Or a brownie! Or a carbonated beverage! Or a floret of broccoli! Or some other completely random food.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey look! A song! This was really fun to write and I confess I sang it through several times. I don't know if anyone is actually reading this, but it is SO. MUCH. FUN. to write this whole thing.**

**ANOTHER FAIRLY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME LATER IN A PLACE WHERE EVERYONE IS INEXPLICABLY GOING TO START SINGING VERY SHORTLY**

**VALJEAN**: ONE DAY MORE

ANOTHER PREY, ANOTHER BLOODY BREATH

IN THIS NEVER ENDING DAY OF LIVING DEATH

THIS GUY WILL CHASE ME WITH HIS KNIFE

FOREVER 'CAUSE HE HAS NO LIFE

ONE DAY MORE

**MARIUS**: I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY

VAMPIRISM IS MY GO-OAL

**COSETTE**: BUT I REFUSE TO SAY OKAY

BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOUR SO-OUL

**ÉPONINE**: 1 MOR DAY ALL ON MY OWN

**MARIUS** **AND** **COSETTE**: CAN'T WE AGREE TO DISAGREE?

**ÉPONINE**: 1 MOR DAY BEING A WEREWOLF

**MARIUS AND COSETTE**: WE'LL KEEP ARGUING ALTHOUGH

**ÉPONINE**: AS I CONTINUE TO MOAN

**MARIUS AND COSETTE**: WE REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER SO

**ÉPONINE**: & NOTHING RHYMES W/ WEREWOLF

**ENJOLRAS**: ONE MORE DAY WHILE I BE AWESOME

**MARIUS**: HUMAN THINGS DON'T SEEM TO MATTER

**ENJOLRAS**: AS WE BUILD A BARRICADE

**MARIUS**: DO I STILL WANT TO JOIN THIS FIGHT?

**ENJOLRAS**: AND THEN OF COURSE WE'LL WIN THE WAR

**MARIUS**: I GUESS I SHOULD; IT'S ONLY RIGHT

**ENJOLRAS**: AND I WILL LEAD A BIG PARAAAAAAAAAAADE!

**JAVERT**: One day more until I hopefully find this vampire who I really want to kill and I'm so weird that I'm not even going to sing this

**THENARDIERS**: BETCHA YOU FORGOT

THAT WE WERE STILL HERE

WE STILL LIKE TO STEAL STUFF WITH AN EVIL SNEER

WE WANT LOTS OF CASH

YES, WE'RE FINE WITH FIVE

WE'LL COME COLLECT THE REST OF IT WHEN YOU'RE NOT ALIVE

**POOR PEOPLE**: TOMORROW IS REALLY IMPORTANT

**MORE POOR PEOPLE**: LOOK, WE HAVE A WAY COOL FLAG

**HEY LOOK! THERE'S MORE OF THEM!**: EVERY MAN WILL BE A KING

**THEY NEVER END, DO THEY?**: EVERY MAN WILL BE A KING!

**NO WONDER THEY'RE FIGHTING! THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY POOR PEOPLE IN FRANCE!**: WE THOUGHT WE WANTED TO GET RID OF-

**AND MORE...:** -THE MONARCHY, BUT I GUESS NOT

**_ALL_**** THE POOR PEOPLE**: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

**MARIUS**: NO...I NEED…VAMPIRE EAAAAAAARS!

**VALJEAN**: ONE DAY MORE!

**EVERYBODY**: WE ARE ALL GOING TO SING AT ONCE SO YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING WE'RE SAYING

**RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER**: Wait, what did they say?

**VALJEAN**: TOMORROW IS NOT REALLY THAT

SIGNIFICANT FOR ME AND YET

**EVERYONE**: WE'LL KEEP ON SINGING ABOUT IT

UNTIL WE PAUSE TO BREATHE A BIT!

ONE MORE DAWN

**COSETTE**: Breaking Dawn?

**EVERYONE**: ONE MORE DAY

ONE

DAY

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

Phew. We are definitely ready for intermission.

**Hey look! Another fanfictioner in the wilds of the internet! Has she learned any new tricks?**

**#7: Attempt to make them feel sorry for you.**

**A/N: *sobs* I thought you guys liked me! But…I've only gotten, like, two reviews! Is it really that terrible?**

**Hopefully no one will tell her the truth, yah? Be nice to the fanfictioner, guys. Remember, she only has the intelligence she needs to survives.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Okay, REALLY long chapter coming your way. Compared to my other ones, anyway.**

**Chapter 7: In which the author remembers she named one of her chapters way back then and thinks there should be some degree of consistency, and in which no one can finish their song, but Enjolras manages to explain everything.**

**THAT PLACE. YOU KNOW, THE…PLACE! WHERE THEY BUILD THE BARRICADE. YEAH.**

**ENJOLRAS: **Boy, oh boy! Just look at all this random furniture! Hey, people in the sky! Will you give us some more furniture?

**PEOPLE IN THE SKY: **(toss down more furniture because they're just nice that way)

**PIANO THROWN BY PEOPLE IN THE SKY: **(lands on Bossuet)

**BOSSUET: **Ow.

**PEOPLE IN THE SKY: **Sorry.

**BOSSUET: **S'okay.

**MARIUS: **Guess what! I decided to grace you all with my awesome presence. Probably if I get fatally injured in this battle, my darling will turn me into a vampire. I sure hope so, anyway.

**ENJOLRAS: **Hey! With a vampire army, we could be invincible! Marius, do you think…

**MARIUS: **I doubt she would do it…

**ENJOLRAS: **Darn.

**NATIONAL GUARDSMAN OR, RANDOM VOICE THAT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE: **Who's there?

**ENJOLRAS: **(pokes his head over the top of the barricade) Are you seriously that stupid? We are building a bloody barricade in the bloody streets of Paris. Do you think we're just doing it for recreation?

**COURFEYRAC: **Well, I am.

**BOSSUET: **Trust me, if you were under a piano right now, you would not be having fun.

**ENJOLRAS: **(sighs) We are the French Revolution, okay, Mr. National Guardsman or, Random Voice That Comes Out of Nowhere?

**NATIONAL GUARDSMAN OR, RANDOM VOICE THAT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE: **Well, who would've guessed? FIRE!

**BOSSUET: **Oh, that is _just_ my luck. A fire starts while I am trapped underneath this piano. You know, I thought death at the barricades would be a little less humiliating…(at least, that's probably what he was saying. No one could hear him over the sudden gunshots)

**ENJOLRAS: **(is not hit) Hahahaha! I—I mean, we—are so awesome, you can't hit us, na-na-na-na boo-boo.

**COMBEFERRE: **Enjolras, did you just say—

**ENJOLRAS: **No.

**ÉPONINE: **(suddenly pops up. From…somewhere) hey guys! need some help? :) the pack & i r ready 2 fight!

**AZELMA, GAVROCHE, AND THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN: **(stand, grinning, behind her)

**ENJOLRAS: **Oh goody, at least we have SOME supernatural creatures to fight on our side.

**MARIUS: **Oh, Éponine! It's too dangerous for you here!

**ÉPONINE: **Um…no, it's not. We r werewolves! No 1 can shoot a werewolf!

**ÉPONINE AND GAVROCHE: **(are shot)

**MARIUS: **No, not you, Éponine! It's too soon! You were supposed to live forever and fall in love with my half-vampire son!

** DYING ÉPONINE, ENJOLRAS, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, DYING GAVROCHE, VALJEAN WHO JUST SNUCK IN, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, THE ENTIRE NATIONAL GUARD, AND THE PEOPLE IN THE SKY: **…

**DYING ÉPONINE: **(clears throat awkwardly) Um, well. RAIN…WILL MAKE…THE FLOWERS… (dies)

**MARIUS: **What, Éponine? What will the rain do?

**ENJOLRAS: **Isn't it obvious? Rain is a metaphor for the people, and flowers are a metaphor for the government! Rain will make the flowers give the people rights!

**MARIUS, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, DYING GAVROCHE, VALJEAN WHO JUST SNUCK IN, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, THE ENTIRE NATIONAL GUARD, AND THE PEOPLE IN THE SKY: **Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

**DYING GAVROCHE: **SO YOU'D BETTER RUN FOR COVER…WHEN THE PUP…GROWS… (dies)

**MARIUS: **Gosh darn it! No one is getting to finish their song! I wonder what _that_ one meant.

**ENJOLRAS: **Isn't it obvious? You is a metaphor for the monarchy, and a pup is a metaphor for a large gathering of people united for justice! You'd better run for cover when the pup grows in its following until it will overthrow you!

**MARIUS, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, VALJEAN WHO JUST SNUCK IN, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, THE ENTIRE NATIONAL GUARD, AND THE PEOPLE IN THE SKY: **Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

**ENJOLRAS: **Anyway. Back to DEATH TO THE GOVERNMENT! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!

**JOLY: **You know, sometimes I worry about Enjolras…

**BOSSUET: **You know who I worry about?

**JOLY: **Who?

**BOSSUET: **I WORRY ABOUT _ME_ BECAUSE I AM STUCK UNDER A ROYALIST-PIGGIN' PIANO AND NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE!

**JOLY: **Gosh, Bossuet. There's no need to _swear_. (wanders off without bothering to help lift the piano off Bossuet)

**VALJEAN: **Hello there! May I join your revolution? I heard there's a kid here in love with my daughter.

**ENJOLRAS: **Why, sure! As long as you aren't a spy. See that guy over there? (points to pillar)

**VALJEAN: **Honestly?...No.

**ENJOLRAS: **Well, that nonexistent guy could be you!

**VALJEAN: **I'm confused.

**ENJOLRAS: **Okay then. Something else. Who can think of a really uncomfortable situation they've been in?

**BOSSUET: **STUCK under a PIANO.

**COURFEYRAC: **One night, I accidentally made appointments with _two_ of my mistresses. That was awkward.

**BOSSUET: **Might I suggest getting STUCK under a PIANO?

**JEAN PROUVAIRE: **Ooh! Ooh! When you have to wait in a REALLY long line to get into the bank.

**BOSSUET: GETTING STUCK UNDER A PIANO!**

**GRANTAIRE: **When you stand up and start break-dancing, but your pants split.

**ENJOLRAS: **Yes! That's it! Thank you, winecask! So! (to Valjean) if you turn out to be a spy, we will force you to break-dance on top of the barricade until your pants split. And Bossuet, quit whining already. It's not as if there's anything we can do to help.

**BOSSUET: **Yes…there is…actually…

**ENJOLRAS: **Oh, be quiet. You're providing comic relief, because sometimes our men get too serious. I mean, we _are_ overthrowing the government, but that doesn't mean we can't LAUGH every once in a while!

**VALJEAN: **Anyways, I'm a vampire, so…

**ENJOLRAS: **OMG, are you serious? OF COURSE YOU CAN JOIN OUR CAUSE! WE'VE BEEN HOPING FOR A VAMPIRE!

**JAVERT: **(pops up) What? A vampire? Valjean, is that you?

**VALJEAN: **…no…

**JAVERT: **Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?

**VALJEAN: **…no…

**JAVERT: **DIE! (begins chasing him around with vampire-killing knife)

**ENJOLRAS: **NOT OUR VAMPIRE! GET HIM, GUYS!

**GUYS: **(get him)

**JAVERT: **(is tied to a pillar) Okay, why didn't you shoot me?

**ENJOLRAS: **Because we don't _want_ to. Sheesh. I'm awesome, so I get to do whatever I want.

**JAVERT: **Oh. I guess that makes sense.

**ENJOLRAS: **You bet it does!

**VALJEAN: **Hey, could you guys let him go? Because—

**ENJOLRAS: **But he is awesomer! Because he is a vampire! So we will all do whatever he says! Okay, dude, you can go free, even though you want to kill this guy who I idolize. Bye-bye!

**JAVERT: **I think I'll be seeing you soon, Valjean. (laughs menacingly)

**VALJEAN: **Yeah, you probably will.

**JAVERT: **What? You aren't going to run away?

**VALJEAN: **Well, no.

**JAVERT: **…why not?

**VALJEAN: **Well, I think everyone's dreams should come true, and your biggest dream is obviously my death, so…

**JAVERT: **No! You can't be a nice guy! That will totally make me question everything I believe in!

**VALJEAN: **Okay then. If your biggest dream is that I should be a bad guy, then TIE HIM TO THE CHAIR AGAIN! HA HA HA!

**JAVERT: **Oh darn. I probably could have thought that through better. (is tied to chair. Again.)

**NATIONAL GUARD: **Well, that was entertaining. Can we attack you again now?

**ENJOLRAS: **Sure! Cause we have a vampire now. And we are INVINCIBLE! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!

**JOLY: **Are you sure you're all right, Enjolras?

**ENJOLRAS: **Yeah, why?

**JOLY: **It's just—

**NATIONAL GUARD: **WE ARE ATTACKING YOU BWA HA HA HA HA!

**JOLY: **Okay, apparently it's everybody, not just you.

**BARRICADE: **(is attacked. EVERY SINGLE PERSON dies)

**VALJEAN AND MARIUS: **(are obviously invisible to the National Guard. And are not included in EVERY SINGLE PERSON)

**Oh, that's sad. Anyways, back to 'Fanfiction in Nature'!**

**#8: Try and make it into a joke, although this never really works.**

**A/N: Hey, are you guys there? C'mon! I believe in your ability to press that little blue button. Review, guys! (ha ha…ha ha…wait, that wasn't funny?)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hello there. Welcome to THE SEWERS! Fun! **

**Chapter 8: In which Marius is annoying—but then, isn't he always?**

**THE SEWERS OF PARIS**

**VALJEAN: **Well, I sure hope this is the kid Cosette won't stop talking about. Cause I am SICK AND TIRED of raising her.

**MARIUS: **…Cosette?

**VALJEAN: **Oh good, it is him. No, little boy, I am not a teenage girl.

**MARIUS: **Good. Because you smell strange.

**VALJEAN: **It smells bad because we are WALKING THROUGH THE SEWERS, YOU IDIOT.

**MARIUS: **Aaaaaah.

**THENARDIER: **I can has money now?

**VALJEAN: **No. Go away.

**THENARDIER: **Okey dokey!

**MARIUS: **Are we there yet?

**VALJEAN: **No.

**MARIUS: **How much farther?

**VALJEAN: **I don't know.

**MARIUS: **I have to go to the bathroom.

**VALJEAN: **Shut up.

**Boy, this fanfictioner has a lot of tricks up her sleeve! Hope there's enough to last a few more chapters!**

**#9: Act like they don't care if they review.**

**A/N: Well, I'm not going to be one of those OBNOXIOUS people who begs you to review. (ha ha…hope they've forgotten every chapter before this) Just do it if you really like my fic, okay? (And, you know, this is the best thing since Harry Potter, so of course ****_everyone's _****going to like it…)**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hi there. How ya doin'? Um...yeah, so fanfiction deleted like, three of my stories because of my not really reading the guidelines and being ignorant of that pesky little no-scripts rule...heh heh...so, yah. Putting the rest of it up ALL AT ONCE! Lucky you guys.**

**Chapter 9: In which nothing much happens.**

**BACK AT…YOU KNOW. THAT PLACE.**

**JAVERT: **…Hello? Is anyone there? Anyone? Hey, National Guard guys? Could you, like, untie me? I'm a good guy, I swear!

**LOL THOSE COMMERCIALS WERE HILARIOUS—oh, you're back. And so are we, apparently!**

**#10: Offer to give them a preview of the next chapter.**

**A/N: Hey, if you review, I'll send you the beginning of the next chapter! **

**(I actually will, I suppose…and I didn't make that one funny because if I liked a fic and somebody said that, I ****_would_**** review to get a preview!)**

**ONE MORE PIECE**

**ONE MORE CHAPTER**

**ONNNNNNE CHAAAAAAAAAAAPTER MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Aww, sadness. It's all done. So, I had so much fun with this I'm thinking of doing one for Harry Potter or the Hunger Games or something—I have a few ideas for the latter, but can't think of any good titles. (Examples: Is This Simply the Hunger Games for Rich Young Boys to Play? or, You've Hunger Gamed For This All Your Life. Terrible, no?) If you have an idea, leave it in a review. *claps hand over mouth* NOOOO! I DID NOT JUST ASK FOR REVIEWS AFTER SPENDING TEN CHAPTERS MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE WHO DO!**

**That didn't happen…**

**Chapter 10: In which nobody is dead after all.**

**AT THE CAFÉ MUSAIN**

**MARIUS: **I'm sad. All of my friends are dead.

**COSETTE: **Hey, Marius!

**MARIUS: **I'm not sad anymore.

**COSETTE: **Will you marry me?

**MARIUS: **No!

**COSETTE: **Why not?

**MARIUS: **Because of a lot of reasons that make absolutely no sense.

**COSETTE: **C'mon. I'll turn you into a vampire…

**MARIUS: **Okay!

**VALJEAN: **I'm leaving now!

**COSETTE: **OH NO PAPA WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

**VALJEAN: **Uhhh…somewhere. But don't follow me. Because of…stuff. Yeah. Bye.

**COSETTE: **Bye!

**ÉPONINE, ENJOLRAS, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, GAVROCHE, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, AND FANTINE: **Hey, guess what? We're alive after all! We were just faking, and we spent the time writing this really cool song!

**MARIUS: **Awesome!

**ENJOLRAS: **Did somebody say my name?

**ÉPONINE, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, GAVROCHE, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, AND FANTINE: **…anyway…

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

LOST IN THE VALLEY OF THE NIGHT

IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE WHO ARE CLIMBING TO THE LIGHT

FOR THE WRETCHED OF THE EARTH

THERE IS A FLAME THAT NEVER DIES

EVEN THE DARKEST NIGHT WILL END

AND THE SUN WILL RISE!

**MARIUS: **That song sounds familiar. Did we sing it before?

**ENJOLRAS: **Yeah, it was our theme song.

**MARIUS: **Oh, right…

**ÉPONINE, ENJOLRAS, MARIUS, COSETTE, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, GAVROCHE, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, AND FANTINE:**

WE WILL LIVE AGAIN IN FREEDOM IN THE GARDEN OF THE LORD

WE WILL WALK BEHIND THE PLOWSHARE

WE WILL PUT AWAY THE SWORD

THE CHAINS WILL BE BROKEN AND ALL MEN WILL HAVE THEIR REWARD…

**COSETTE: **And vampires, too, right? Not just men?

**MARIUS: **Don't worry, Cosette. Vampires, too.

**ÉPONINE, ENJOLRAS, MARIUS, COSETTE, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, GAVROCHE, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, AND FANTINE:**

WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE?

WHO WILL BE STRONG AND STAND WITH ME

SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE BARRICADE, IS THERE

A WORLD YOU LONG TO SEE

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING,

SAY DO YOU HEAR THE DISTANT DRUMS

IT IS THE FUTURE THAT WE BRING WHEN TOMORROW COMES!

**COSETTE: **Wasn't that nice. Now let's get married.

**ENJOLRAS: **The song isn't over.

**COSETTE: **What?

**ENJOLRAS: **The song isn't over. We have to sing that part again.

**COSETTE: **But…why?

**ENJOLRAS: **Because it's awesome. Like me!

**ÉPONINE, ENJOLRAS, MARIUS, COSETTE, COURFEYRAC, COMBEFERRE, FEUILLY, JOLY, BOSSUET, BAHOREL, JEAN PROUVAIRE, GRANTAIRE, AZELMA, THE TWO NAMELESS CHILDREN, GAVROCHE, SEVERAL ASSORTED REVOLUTIONISTS, AND FANTINE:**

WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE?

WHO WILL BE STRONG AND STAND WITH ME

SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE BARRICADE, IS THERE

A WORLD YOU LONG TO SEE

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING,

SAY DO YOU HEAR THE DISTANT DRUMS

IT IS THE FUTURE THAT WE BRING WHEN TOMORROW COMES!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TOMORROW COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME S!

**COSETTE: **Well, wasn't that nice. Goodbye, everyone. Nice seeing you. Talk to you later, Mom. Go away, weird werewolf. See you soon, awesome guy. Farewell, small children. Uh-huh. You too. Buh-bye.

**JAVERT: **…Anyone?

**THE END: **(happens)

**And this is the season finale of 'Fanfiction in Nature'. **

**#11: Leave it alone for twelve years and wait for somebody to stumble across it, providing the world is not taken over by aliens who destroy the internet.**

**Here's Australian Guy signing off!**


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